TRAVEL DIARY

A weblog regularly updated by Jodi Rose.

Friday, February 27, 2004

10:53 AM
Posted by jodi rose

Today's weather forecast is philosophical cloud cover, with a passing emotional squall.
Realising that this time is all about being light in the world - fluid, flexible, moving swiftly and gently through days and places, living gracefully. Courage, Grace and Love - Chris Cordeaux showed me written on a wall in Jon Bondi photographer's apartment, when I was 14.
Every day I am learning to let go more, especially of the need to be anything for other people, to be appealing and 'nice' and compliant.
You wouldn't necessarily imagine it, from someone who appears totally focused on his or her own goals, but I can be very people pleasing.
An 11 metre steel bridge in the Ukraine was dismantled and stolen last week. Sometimes the metal is worth more than the bridge, to some people at least. I guess that's how life it.
And sometimes the 'issues' are worth more than the friendship. A little sad, had a painful break-up with a friend yesterday afternoon. I won't go into too much detail, but he is someone who can be incredibly inspiring and encouraging, supportive, creative, loving, joyful and generally gorgeous. He believed in me when I couldn't completely believe in myself, and was struggling to imagine the full scope of this idea and doubted that I could actually make it happen. Since then, he's drifted into a strange paranoid hermit existence, and let me down too many times. When I tried to express how sad and upset I was by his unwillingness or inability to make any kind of effort in the friendship at all, he got angry and told me I wasn't allowed to be upset with him. Since then things have been fraught and distant between us, and yesterday all the unspoken subtext imploded in an exchange about returning an item I had borrowed. Basically ending the friendship. I know very well that I can be trying at times, self-absorbed and over-emotional, have wildly fluctuating energy and enthusiasm, and expect too much from friends, especially in terms of being present and emotionally available. But it's absolutely crucial that people tell you when they're pissed off or upset with you - don't fester on it and stew for months, or years and then create a drama that is totally out of proportion with the situation. The only other major falling out I have had is due to a similar thing. Essentially I think people need to be more emotionally honest, upfront and learn to take responsibility for their own happiness and disappointment, love and fear, sadness and joy. Myself included, it's all a learning process.
Although in general I'm ridiculously empathetic, caring and sensitive to other people's moods, needs and desires, there is a chance of contracting Famous Artist Syndrome (ref: NY Aug 2002) where you expect everyone in the vicinity to run around indulging your every whim. But I think if detected early and and monitored it can be kept under control by ongoing preventative measures, without drastic treatment.
And I am extremely grateful for the incredible blessings and abundance of the universe, in no danger of taking all these amazing opportunities and wonderful people for granted.
Talking with Bridget last night about life and how you can sit back and go where it takes you, not quite keeping up - a failure of the imagination - or actively take part in creating the path you're on, imagine yourself into the life you dream of, and live your passions.
That's all going in the self-help book I'm writing, after the 'stories behind the bridge songs' romance/adventure/travel book. If anyone can recommend a publisher for the latter, please contact me!