TRAVEL DIARY

A weblog regularly updated by Jodi Rose.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

11:39 AM
Posted by jodi rose

Drifty, dreamy, floaty headspace. I'm tired of always having lists of things to do, working until late every night, and being so dislocated from my surroundings.
It's a really strange feeling, having this vivid sense of disconnectedness - which in itself is usually the antithesis of intensity, but at the moment is the only sensation amongst the numbness. It's been going on for days now, maybe weeks, slowly sinking deeper into chronic melancholy, settled around me like the hazy morning mist that just won't clear. Still functioning, at most levels, but there's something vital missing. A sense of joy maybe, or connection in day-to-day life. Most of the emotional life I have is going on somewhere in the ether - its been nearly 2 days since checking my email, and I'm suffering anxiety and withdrawal pangs which is bizarre and unhealthy, but kind of interesting.
Probably shouldn't be writing all this, on the eve of a publicity blitz for the radio program and if I ever get over this great wall of resistance, the CD's.
It could so easily be taken out of context, and read as instability, or whatever - but hey, playing the mad artist card today, alone in the fog sending out flares to anyone listening. beep beep beep says Jacob.
(still listening to the same CD, its been a marathon epic rave this morning)
And, you know that's the reality of life in this world, your circumstances and level of external success or recognition may change (or not) for the better (or worse) but inside is still exactly the same mind and emotions and experiences that you've always carried with you. (the fabulous intellectual guru Justin would say at this point that the more success you have, the bigger the plaque on the office door, the more of a hollow fraud you will feel.) Maybe you can refine some responses, learn to shift perspective, or overcome fears and self-doubt, but nothing really seems to make a lasting dent in who you are - guess I'm confessing to a belief in an 'essential self' who is present throughout your life. Hoping not to be reincarnated, if such a thing exists, I'm so existentially exhausted that this had better be the last ride.
Ok, new CD: ~scape compilation, my preferred german label for electronica hope they release mine!
Pip reminded me today, that we're both 'lucky' we live in this amazing country with incredible opportunity that we basically take for granted, (Lisa would say here, unless you're indigenous and living in absolute poverty in Bourke, or down the road from us on the block, with no access to the kind of cultural, employment and social opportunities white people have) and moan about stuff that really doesn't matter. Her head is in Kabul, she's going back there next year after working for 3 months earlier this year on women's rights and equality - another hard road to tread. We've discussed all those questions too - who do these people think they are, going into another country and telling them, well this is the way you should run it, and do things, and democracy works like this for us.... hmmm, does it?
There's a photo going round the email circuit, about people who voted liberal - I'll try to find it and attach here. No-one you speak to seems to know anyone who did, but maybe that's just a reflection of the left-wing bohemian ghetto circles I travel in.