TRAVEL DIARY

A weblog regularly updated by Jodi Rose.

Sunday, March 6, 2005

10:40 AM
Posted by jodi rose

so far I've been lost once each time I come here.
the first was - actually twice that trip - on the metro, which is pretty silly as it has one line with a fork in it - managed to get to the wrong end of the fork.... and then coming home in a taxi to mari's place, walked up the stairs to her apartment - which had someone else's name on the door. looked exactly similar in every other respect, ran up and down the stairs to all the floors a few times, feeling more and more twilight zone-ish, then finally walked out of the building and realised I was in the B not the A. The second time was in August doing aaniradio stuff with sophea, teri rueb, keith and I got her out of the office late one night and on our way home to her place, got completely lost a few blocks away. can't remember the april moment, but am sure it happened. the latest occasion was - hmmm my mind has gone completely blank... oh that's right, coming home the other night caught the 74 instead of 75 bus and it didn't go to puistola station, but somewhere out in the wild, in the middle of the night, in minus 15 degrees. standing at the bus stop wondering if another one would come along, or I should start walking in what I thought was the direction of the station, where I know my way, then a taxi came by so jumped in it.
But it's a very strange feeling having no idea where you are, whatsoever. Mostly we live in such familiar environments it's hard to be genuinely lost. Forget gps and all that palaver, it can tell you the co-ordinates but not necessarily where you are... not that I even have a device. very un-locative media of me. in fact, as a media artist I really suck. don't even have a laptop. if anyone wants to donate one would be much appreciated. driving me insane not being able to work on my own computer here. or an ipod. particle wavers please bring an apple for jodi :)
Anyway, back to being lost - it's a weird feeling, and I keep having it, even when I know where I am. Kind of off-kilter, not quite in my centre of gravity. Mostly I LOVE being here, for whatever reasons, but the last few days have completely lost sight of why and what it is I'm doing. Here, there or anywhere. Experiencing that sense of dislocation which I crave and adore when feeling stuck in one place for too long, but can also turn on you and become a yawning abyss of self-doubt and anxiety. Specific and general. What am I doing here? What am I doing anywhere? Can I even begin to pull this off?
Having scraped together enough money, begged, borrowed and imagined, to get myself over here, and hopefully survive for a few weeks longer, it's really difficult to keep finding the energy to make all these tenuous connections link up into something real and solid. I love my people here - sophea had her beach party today, loads of fun, lovely friends and marianne's gorgeous interactive water sound installation - sonic paddling pool - but had to pike on the dancing afterwards. I know. It's shockin'. The just keep dancing girl; NOT DANCING?!?!?!? What's going on with that?!
Maybe just need to lay low for a while and get some writing done. Putting heaps of energy into particle wave stuff, and really looking forward to all these wondeful people coming over to make radio.
And starting experiments with bridge streaming in april, when all the software artist/developer people and other fab bridgetechheads have converged. But that's the thing with process based research, you don't actually know in advance what the outcome will be. Still, it's taken me a long time to get to this point, all through art school I couldn't stand not having everything sorted out beforehand, which meant that the process part was fairly spurious. So I'm really glad to have reached a place in my practice where I can genuinely explore ideas and find ways to realise them without knowing the answers in advance. It just can be a little nervewracking. Especially with multiple other aspects of the project relying on the outcome. Oh well, if it doesn't work here, it's not going to work anywhere, Finland is the most networked and communication oriented place in the world, I think. The alleged introversion of the Finns notwithstanding.
Tomorrow is Mika's winter party, with downhill sliding, sauna and cabbage soup. Can't wait! and it means a trip to Espoo, where I've never been - loving getting to see different parts of helsinki. Kallio and Sornainen are fabulous, but enjoying having a new hood.
fingers and toes crossed that some of the funding comes through - ozco & anat, please please please - or I'll be on the plane home next week. Not much fun. Don't want to think about it. Sometimes we like living on the edge, others it would be really great to have some stability and comfort and security. Ah well it's all an illusion anyway, so may as well get used to living in constant uncertainty and learn to love it. At least new possibilities are more likely to open up, if your life isn't prescribed and fixed. Having a CD launch on Suomenlinna Island as part of the Pixelache warm-up next saturday - more info soon. Write and tell me stories, am feeling very disconnected.