TRAVEL DIARY

A weblog regularly updated by Jodi Rose.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

5:18 PM
Posted by jodi rose

oh but the pain is real....
yes, welcome to another train wreck confessional
I've had occasion to read some blogs lately which are purely promotional, sales, gigs, rehashing media, nothing personal. well you won't find that here. a friend in berlin commented to me recently, I read your blog for a while; you're very.... honest.

yes well you know the old hollywood saying.
sincerity, once you can fake that, kid, you got it made.

what is exactly is real? what's constructed, imagined, perceived....?
aren't we always conscious of how we present ourselves, except in those hyper real moments of intense emotion, stress, trauma... or am I being cynical. again.
had a mini festival of gritty uk cinema in the last few days - hasn't assuaged my longing for escape by any means - started with 9 songs.. what was michael winterbottom thinking? the mediocre sex only interrupted by extremely average indie rock bands. apparently that was the idea, I read afterwards, to show the decline of a relationship entirely through the couples physical interactions.. and music. only, they didn't seem to be having a relationship, only woefully improvised conversations and intensely banal sex. if you'd taken the structure of an actual story, and made up some characters, and then given us those moments in between, maybe it would be more interesting. then again, maybe that's the reality of relationships. what would I know? I'm simply an observer.
albeit not a dispassionate one.

followed that with Ken Loach's 'Sweet Sixteen' on DVD, gritty as fk but entirely fascinating, complete sympathy for the lead character, engaging story and flawlessly real acting. now that was a cinematic journey.
today saw Loach's 'Ae Fond Kiss', which was disappointing. trying to make a valid point, but with a sledgehammer and more fairly inept improvisation - or else a very weak script - that really didn't have me believing in the bond between the lead characters at all, which was crucial to the whole story. more of the same highly unsensual sex - am suddenly irritated by constantly seeing these scrawny women held up as the height of desirability, I really wanted to see the larger sister getting some action, if we had to see anybody. Yes, coming to terms with those curves. Personally and as a culture - I think it's high time we celebrated female flesh in abundance. Not that kate moss (as the epitome of this particular brand) isn't sexy in her own way, but that is not the only shape women can be - tired of it. Sign of a very sick culture, and not one reflected in the actual desires of many people, but somehow it's the main fetish of western media, only skinny girls get to be the romantic lead. except for the very rare ocassions, which I can't think of right now.
rant rant rant.

dave grohl on denton kept saying he was the luckiest guy in the world, gets to do music etc, after the 3rd time, denton replies: yes, and I'm starting to resent you for it. indeed. but grohl had a nice perspective, on waking up each day being a blessing, that you get to 'be'. trying to get into that frame of mind, maybe need to let go and it will float on in.
used to have it all so clear. many years ago, wandering behind a random fence at the horden during big day out, found myself backstage and had a very nice chat with dave, who had much longer hair then and told me about touring scotland - having a fine time too. then kurt walked past, head down, and he had to go onstage. nice to see him doing so well.

tired, my circadian rhythms are out of whack, and something about being back home is making me question what I'm doing with my life. Again.
Partly the cultural cringe factor, I think, and partly the people-who-have known-you-for-years and have certain expectations factor.

could be being oversensitive or self-indulgent, but sometimes feel a slight edge of condescension and resentment, that I'm so irresponsible and childish as to think I can just keep doing what I want to with my life, and yet apparently am getting away with it, even becoming vaguely sucessful. Well, you know I did my three-and-a-half-years or more of office hell, and it's taken a good 20 years of being ignored and struggling to get to be 'one of those people' and I'm damn well going to enjoy it. So, back to work, proposals to write, symphonies to create.....