TRAVEL DIARY

A weblog regularly updated by Jodi Rose.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

11:40 PM
Posted by jodi rose

reading in the sunday papers guide to life about how people who push themselves hard and have high expectations tend to suffer more from 'fraudian complex' ie feeling like a fraud, wondering when you'll be found out. and that people who don't suffer it actually are more likely to be faking it. then there's the whole, fake it til you make it scenario. and sometimes you do become what you imagine, if you dream of it hard enough.
but today, I really feel that my failings as a writer, an artist and a human being are taking over the positive stuff.
as a writer, I'm too persuasive and emotional
skate over facts and take a post modern bricolage attitude to research
make large sweeping gestures
forget details and specificities - or only write about them
am completely subjective
unstructured, work on loose flowing forms without much editing
lazy with precise meanings and expressions
sketchy grammatically

as a human being
I rely on charisma and charm far too often
keep people at arms length
don't like life being messy or out of control
am uncomfortable with surface chit-chat, always want to go deeper
ruled by passion and emotion
value sponataeity over order and structure
find it incredibly hard to work consistently
can be slightly irresponsible and happy to coast along using whatever resources come to hand (pirate media artist!)
need to appreciate hard work and take responsibility for money
am too in-the-moment, fulfilling immediate desires more important than long term goals
.. but I can work hard towards distant ideals - it just needs to be in my own way.

decided I need to become a woman of substance and grace, focused and grounded, with depth and texture and a rich throaty laugh.
or maybe I already am, but just can't see it yet..... ?