TRAVEL DIARY

A weblog regularly updated by Jodi Rose.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

11:13 PM
Posted by jodi rose

'I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.... Intense love does not measure, it just gives... If you judge people, you have no time to love them.'
words of wisdom from Mother Teresa via
Jonathan Cainer.

Yes, am still musing on love in all its forms. unconditional, unrequited, unexpected, spiritual, ephemeral, visceral, familial.... however you feel it is worth appreciating and giving.

This taking time off art business is strange, my daily activities haven't changed much, I just feel marginally less guilty about them. Walk to the bridge every morning, yesterday squeaking on crisp snow, admiring the drifts piled up on the inside of the green girders; today trudging through slush and a light drizzle to watch the river and muse on 'going with the flow'.

Something that is particularly necessary for me to remember in this location, according to the astro cartography travel map which warns:

"This could be a critical place for you. In this place, you may find it easier to reach your goals, if you go with the flow of the circumstances rather than fighting them. But if you get the feeling of fighting a futile battle, you may resort to alcohol or drugs for relief. To look after your health, you should ensure a high nutritional food inake, sufficient sleep and regular periods of rest. It is difficult here to follow a focussed path in life. Instead, let yourself be lead by whatever happens. Trust that you will arrive in the right place in the end."

Oh dear, relief at the pub and insomnia both settling in, although have found that having the radio on helps me get to sleep and didn't visit the pub today. The irony is that I don't usually like pubs that much, it's an indication of my dire need for company and diversion. Philippa suggests tweaking my cake/beer ratio to 2 cakes and 3 beers instead of 3 cakes and 2 beers, but if the pink floyd man starts looking attractive, cut back on the beer... Am not really an alcoholic, really!

Decided that becoming more emotionally involved was probably the best solution to sense of alienation, rather than immersing myself in novels and films on dvd. Called Mary and Andrea today, instantly improved both mood and sense of engagement with life, catching up tomorrow for lunch and trip to Esztergom.

Resisting the increased awareness of having an audience due to recent events - and also having just gone public with the blog info to a few people in sturovo, who will know most of the people I mention - trying not to be self-conscious, have in fact become far more revelatory and personal than previously. Ah, what the hell it's a passing moment in a passing life, not really of much consequence.

An indicator of how much I need to get back into regular writing - quote from Pissarro courtesy of the lovely katherine:

"Work is a wonderful regulator of moral and physical health. All the sadness, all the bitterness, all the grief - I forget. I overlook them in the joy of working. Suffering only has a hold over the lazy."

Right, well that's it for me, no more lounging around!

Although, am learning more about the town with a few of my regular conversation partners, and slowly making sense of the history and how it still affects people now. Like no private businesses, forbidden to attend church (but only for the 'cream of society' - the workers were still able to believe as they wished - some people are always more equal than others), or talk freely, there being only one type available of most goods (car, sausage, bread...), only being allowed to cross the border to Hungary twice a year, being searched for illicit goods like sugar or chocolate - am gaining a cumulative sense of the choices available now and the kind of life that is possible. Still hard for many people to earn enough money to gain the kind of choices which I take for granted. Gyuri and Tommi were teasing me in the pub yesterday, saying terry came for 3 months from england, and he's still here eleven years later. Noooooooo get me out! Ok, I could adapt if it was absolutely necessary, but starting to plan escape fantasies. Also learnt that the Bratislava accent in Slovak is equivalent to cockney english.