TRAVEL DIARY

A weblog regularly updated by Jodi Rose.

Monday, January 29, 2007

12:44 AM
Posted by jodi rose

Had a convivial evening last night playing boggle and 'thinkfun' car puzzle games with garry, helen, robyn, oskar, rubin and terry. lots of fun. reminds me that ridiculous things can offer simple hilarity.

And maybe it's a simple post-indulgence response, and I should stop being so bloody melodramatic. I don't know though, what are artists for if not to live at the edge of bearable experience and report back?

Then there are days like this when the tenuousness of this life really gets to me. when does it stop? I know all stability is an illusion, everything passes etc etc but am I even doing the right thing? is there a right thing? I need a sign. please give me a sign. now.

I'm so deeply tired and fragile right now. For all the friends and laughter and adventure, sometimes you just need someone to be there. In those quiet dark moments. The way a gentle lover strokes your face. Completely undoes me. Fleeting encounters shouldn't be allowed to be so tender. It's all so meaningless. And I need it to be real.
I need it to last. I need it to be about me. Not just random girl.

Is that such a lot to ask? Someone who actually cares for you?
I don't think so, but it seems like way too much in this world.
Just keep letting go. Damn that free will palaver.

So I sit in the park, looking out over the soft evening light, planes twinkling in the sky as they bank steeply from kingsford smith, bats swoosh and rustle above me. And I dream and hope that this will happen before I'm old and bitter and cynical. Not long now ;)

I can't keep clutching at ships or passing llamas.
Following worn out dry breadcrumb husks through forests down twisting paths in failing gloomy light.
I need more than this.
I need something vibrant and real and alive and rejuvenating.
I need an actual human being with me, not the idea of perfection.

Man, it's so painful being alive sometimes.
No wonder we all do things to take the edge off.
... whatever gets you through the night.

A friend said last time I was visiting him in berlin; I read your blog - you're so honest. (yikes). yeah, well what's the point of making art out of your everyday life if it's not going to be painful and raw sometimes. we can't all be polished perfection tanned and toned and buffed for best possible display.

I'm crumbling inside. Again.
How much do I hate this feeling.
but at least it's better than not feeling anything at all.

Watching the planes, I'm starting to dream of berlin. lovely.
feeling displaced from my life here, as though marking time in a strange unreal world, real life is waiting somewhere else. it always is.